Life turned 360 as i am writing this now.
I talked about my break up. Ae n Yana being no longer together.
Hectic? It was hell of a life. My life turned the total opposite. I became what i never want to be. I became a person ever i could not imagine myself doing.
Regret? Yes! I regret what have i done to myself. I hate it so much that i betrayed my own principles. I hate it that i became an idiot. I hate it that once again i am playing with other's emotion and other's heart. It was devastating. It felt like i was hit by a bomb and now i became an alien to my own self.
One i call Secret Valentine and one i call Romeo. Yes, Secret Valentine is someone who is near me. He was there through my worst days of life. It was then all those things happened. I was an idiot for giving him the chance to make it into my life. I was an idiot not knowing that he has been having feelings for me for quite some time. And...i was stupid enough for giving him that little opportunity to show how much he feels and how much he cares. It was a stupid mistake. Now i'm dealing with the consequences.
"Never FALL in LOVE no matter what happened between us..no matter what we said nor how much affection one shows.NEVER EVER EVER FALL IN LOVE" That was the condition. God is great. He fell for me and somehow i gave him the space to be in my life for a bit. Ya..it was another mistake though.. Now..he really fell for me and this feelings cannot be undo. Sigh..
Romeo? This one is interesting. We met only once. Being separated by the South China Sea, yet we still made contact. He is one of a kind. He is sure a guy to choose if i were to make my decision. He planned for me a lot and he even made me smile when he said.. " if we were to get married..u'll have to wear tudong..u know what is that?" "ya..i know that..we called it the same here in Malaysia.." "Great..so, when we get married, u'll have to wear it. It's our religion obligation which we have to obey and as ur husband, it is my responsibility to make sure that.." "Would u come and work here in B....." "of course i would! i would be glad to go there.." "cool then..u shall come here..plus there are a lot of subsidy here......."
See how great is that..?
Hence, i cannot make it..i cannot fall for both of them or either one of them. I know i know..it was stupid to let go of both of them. What can i do then? The one who hurts me is the one i love dearly and i hold close to my heart. i cannot force myself to love someone else just like that.
HIM? Mohd Khairi Azri? he was living happily with another person when i called him up. Being hit rock bottom with the fact that he was with this girl named Baizura Harun. **she was one of my student during my days lecturing in PMM...funny eh...** I asked him to make his decision.
It hurts me a lot actually to know this. and to face this.It has not been easy.
Yet..i still love him. I still want him in my life. Yes. Stupid..No..moron to be exact. Call me anything..i don't care..what i know is..deep inside..he is my soul mate.
Defining the word soul mate in my own perception..someone who is destined to be with you.? Nay..
A soul mate for me..no matter how hard it is..no matter how far he might be..no matter how difficult he is..i'll always accept him..because..he is the only one who can accept me being who i am. I am difficult! He accepted me for who i am..we get along and we learned together..that is soul mate.
I talked about my break up. Ae n Yana being no longer together.
Hectic? It was hell of a life. My life turned the total opposite. I became what i never want to be. I became a person ever i could not imagine myself doing.
Regret? Yes! I regret what have i done to myself. I hate it so much that i betrayed my own principles. I hate it that i became an idiot. I hate it that once again i am playing with other's emotion and other's heart. It was devastating. It felt like i was hit by a bomb and now i became an alien to my own self.
One i call Secret Valentine and one i call Romeo. Yes, Secret Valentine is someone who is near me. He was there through my worst days of life. It was then all those things happened. I was an idiot for giving him the chance to make it into my life. I was an idiot not knowing that he has been having feelings for me for quite some time. And...i was stupid enough for giving him that little opportunity to show how much he feels and how much he cares. It was a stupid mistake. Now i'm dealing with the consequences.
"Never FALL in LOVE no matter what happened between us..no matter what we said nor how much affection one shows.NEVER EVER EVER FALL IN LOVE" That was the condition. God is great. He fell for me and somehow i gave him the space to be in my life for a bit. Ya..it was another mistake though.. Now..he really fell for me and this feelings cannot be undo. Sigh..
Romeo? This one is interesting. We met only once. Being separated by the South China Sea, yet we still made contact. He is one of a kind. He is sure a guy to choose if i were to make my decision. He planned for me a lot and he even made me smile when he said.. " if we were to get married..u'll have to wear tudong..u know what is that?" "ya..i know that..we called it the same here in Malaysia.." "Great..so, when we get married, u'll have to wear it. It's our religion obligation which we have to obey and as ur husband, it is my responsibility to make sure that.." "Would u come and work here in B....." "of course i would! i would be glad to go there.." "cool then..u shall come here..plus there are a lot of subsidy here......."
See how great is that..?
Hence, i cannot make it..i cannot fall for both of them or either one of them. I know i know..it was stupid to let go of both of them. What can i do then? The one who hurts me is the one i love dearly and i hold close to my heart. i cannot force myself to love someone else just like that.
HIM? Mohd Khairi Azri? he was living happily with another person when i called him up. Being hit rock bottom with the fact that he was with this girl named Baizura Harun. **she was one of my student during my days lecturing in PMM...funny eh...** I asked him to make his decision.
It hurts me a lot actually to know this. and to face this.It has not been easy.
Yet..i still love him. I still want him in my life. Yes. Stupid..No..moron to be exact. Call me anything..i don't care..what i know is..deep inside..he is my soul mate.
Defining the word soul mate in my own perception..someone who is destined to be with you.? Nay..
A soul mate for me..no matter how hard it is..no matter how far he might be..no matter how difficult he is..i'll always accept him..because..he is the only one who can accept me being who i am. I am difficult! He accepted me for who i am..we get along and we learned together..that is soul mate.
0 comments:
Post a Comment